My Aunty Dot died yesterday in Johannesburg, 6th July 2021.

From: Richard Mac Gillivray
To: Sandra Groom Subject: Dorothy

Dear Sandra

Yesterday my Mom passed away to Covid. It is a time of mixed emotions for me. As you know we were not best friends these last years. She was my mother. I have some amazing memories and had fun with her. I choose to hold these dear and remember her for them. Thank you for your love and affection you and always showed her. You family were the dearest friends in her life. It started God (and you) knows how long ago when Tom brought you all to our house in Bancroft, Northern Rhodesia after traveling up from Cape Town. 

Be cool, love from all of us and Megan's soon be the next generation in September. 

Love Richard and Marjorie

xxx

 Richard MacGillivray

From: sandra groom
Sent: Wednesday, 7 July 2021 5:49 PM
To: 'Richard Mac Gillivray
Subject: Your Mom - My Aunty Dot

 Oh Richard.   Thank you so so much for letting me know straight away.   Are you OK???   No, you cannot be, I am so sad for you.   I am sitting here crying my eyes out.   I am so so sorry for your loss.   And yes, I do know that you and she had some unhappiness between you in the last years, but that is past now.  Shee was, and always will be, your Mother.   And she loved you.

And I know enough about you from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back, to know that you loved her.   You may not have liked her at times, but you loved her.  I know that.  

She gave you life.   She taught you to use a spoon and a chair and a toilet and a telephone and how to brush your teeth and get dressed and do up your shoelaces and to tell the time and to say please and thank you.   And ‘oh jeepers!’ (her favourite expression!)  so much more.

She was such a proud Mother of her two handsome boys.  She kept a fine home and was a gracious hostess and enjoyed entertaining.   I still make her simple dish that I thought was so sophisticated when I was about nine years old – grated carrot with orange zest, salt and pepper,  and a bit of orange juice to moisten it.   “Aunty Dot’s Carrots”.

Your parents were such good friends to my parents and to our family.   Without their generosity and support, the start of our new life in Northern Rhodesia would have been so much more challenging.  Our Dads shared the Lodge – as our mothers did too, as important wives.  And our Dads survived that terrible mud rush together in Bancroft mine, something that soldered their relationship I think.   After your Dad’s death, your Mum was a good friend to me and Gerald and Joshua, too.   I cannot recall my childhood without remembering Aunty Dot and Uncle Len and you, Richard, and dear Allan.  The MacGillivrays were always there, at Christmas time and birthday parties and visits several times a week to each other’s houses.  At the swimming pool.   I remember your Dad yelling at me once when he thought I had been remiss in some way, taking care of you and Ian on a swing in your back yard, which backed on to Bancroft Primary School.   I forget the details now, but he was so protective of you and didn’t mind giving me ‘what for’.   Can you imagine doing that to today’s ‘precious’ kids???    You’d be in court!

We had SUCH a happy time together when she came to Australia on holiday about twenty – twenty five? -  years ago.  My Mom and Dad and Gerald and Joshua and I did so much together and she ‘was a bok’ for everything.   Ready for a laugh, ready for a party, ready for a drink. The photos are hilarious of she, my Mom and I wearing sarongs and straw hats I had just bought back from Lombok, where I was leading a three month programme for Australian teenagers.   I remember a heated argument we had around the lunch table one Sunday with Joshua and his then girlfriend Isis (who is still a good friend).  Isis was studying law (she gave it up and became an amazing doctor instead) and she was a ferocious adversary in any disagreement.  Your Mum had aired her opinion which Isis – and all of us – thought racist, but we kept quiet, for the sake of harmony.  Not Isis!  She went in head first and eventually, I had to calm the situation down by separating the two of them with some diplomatic diversion.

I still have some of her letters and cards, sent over the years, with my precious things.  Her writing was always immediately recognisable in the letter box, her small rounded letters, narrow spacing between the lines, and the pen pressed hard to the paper.

The last time I saw her was three years ago in Johannesburg, when Gerald and I went to see her at St. Michael’s – on 22nd September, 2018, (we just looked it up.)  She was as sharp as a tack and as funny as ever.  I wonder if you have seen her since then?  We took her a beautiful cashmere scarf, which she loved, and a bag filled with gin, tonic, sliced lemon, ice, and tall glasses.  Which we devoured, the three of us!   She regaled us with stories in her big strong South African voice for a couple of hours.   I nearly wet my pants I laughed so much!  I have the videos and photos still.  I shall ask Gerald to find them and send them to you.

The truth is, for me anyway:   She was opinionated, she was judgemental, and she was racist.  She could be overbearing and domineering. And she loved a gossip – which the one thing she and my Mom ‘fell out’ about.  My Mom refused to listen to ‘stories’ and your Mom loved to tell them. 

AND - she was kind, she was thoughtful, she was generous. She never forgot a birthday or an anniversary, she was a great communicator and letter writer, she laughed easily and often, she loved whole heartedly and was fiercely loyal.  She had an extraordinary memory, and could recall dates and names and times and detail to an astonishing degree, even at her advanced age.  She loved her family and her friends deeply. She kept up with world events and politics and knew her own mind.  She knew how to dress and was elegant and stylish and gracious and a fabulous hostess.  And how unlikely was it, that a feminine woman like this was a walking talking cricket expert!??  She loved a party – she WAS a party! – all by herself! – Allan was like her that way, I thought? – not that I knew him much in his adult years but for the few times we met in Cape Town.  One of my fondest memories is of her in our lounge room in 60-13th Street, Chingola, at (another) one of my parents parties, singing “Hello Dolly!” by Satchmo.  She knew every word, pretended to play the piano and she danced around the room as she sang it. 

Try to remember these things too, with your good and happy memories Richard darling, as you try to heal your heart.  You will, but it is a lengthy process.  Losing our Mothers has to be one of the harshest things we ever do, I think.  Perhaps even more so if our relationship was in some way challenging.  I still weep for my mother – and father – regularly, and ours was a beautiful relationship.

I loved your Mom. Looking at these last photos of her now – Gerald has got them up on his computer as I type - and recalling wit gratitude how safe and loved and clever and beautiful and funny and amazing I always felt in her presence.   As if I was the most beloved and important person in the world.  She had that ability to make people feel that way.   I feel so grateful for having known her.  To have been able to call her my Aunty. My Aunty Dot.  Closer than any Aunty I had in England.  No blood ties, but unbreakable ties of the heart. 

A big black crow just came to the rooftop at our window, and stood staring in at us for a couple of minutes before flying off into the setting sun.  (This really just happened.)   We both know it is your Mom, come to say goodbye.   My Dad did the same thing the day after he died.  Thank you my Aunty Dot.   And I know this – that my Dad and Mom and your Dad will have been waiting for her, with a large gin and tonic ready.   No doubt my Dad got his mouth organ out to play a few tunes, whilst my Mom baked a few sausage rolls for the Homecoming they had prepared for her.

If you would like to talk, I’d love to hear from you.   Are you on Facebook?  Messenger or Watts App?  Otherwise my numbers are below.

Can you please send me the email address again of the aged care facility she was in when she died?  I sent them an email thanking them for loving her and looking after her, and they responded so sweetly – but I cannot find it now!  I shall let Susan and Ian know.  And remind me of how old she was.  91??

I send you all our love and healing and gratitude and hugs.  I am so happy to hear you are going to be Grandparents, congratulations!!!!!

We raise a glass to a Great Lady tonight.   Your Mom, and our Aunty Dot.   Go well, my darling Aunty Dot, and thank you for the love and the memories.

Thanks so much for this email Richard, love to Marjorie and Megan and her family.

PS:  Gerald is trying to send you the photos and the films now.   Do you have dropbox?  Notice the photos on the wall in the background of you and Allan as babies ….

Love and hugs

Sandra and Gerald and Joshua xxx

FROM MY SISTER SUSAN ORMROD, in Perth, on learning of the death of our ‘Aunty Dot’ MacGillivray, in Johannesburg on 6th July 2021

She was a special lady, with strong opinions and qualities, and I will always treasure my memories of her.

One of these memories was when we were pregnant together - me with Mark and she with her second son, Alan.  My pregnancy was some months ahead of Dot's and this occasion may have been about late March 1964.  During one of my rare breaks out of hospital, she and I were taken to the Chingola public pool where our Dad was doing his life saving duties.  He had closed the pool a little early, so that Dot and I would have some privacy when we managed to heave our belly bulks into the water (the level apparently shot up several inches as we did so, according to Dad!)

I will never forget that feeling, of the heavy pregnancy weight suddenly being lifted and Dot and I laughed, loving it while we floated around, belly up and weightless in the warm water.  Our unborns also seemed happy, stretching out and wriggling joyfully.  Neville, Len and Dad stood guard over us as we floated gently around, chatting to each other and loving every second of the support and buoyancy that the water gave our blooming bodies.  Eventually the men had to do some hard talking to convince us to finally get out of the water... 

Which brought another problem.  Getting us into the water with our precious big bellies was one thing:  getting us out was quite another.  In the end, with two men hauling us by the arms, and my husband heaving from the bottom, it was accomplished and two very tired, comfortable and pregnant bellies waddled off to the dressing room.

It was a day I will never forget, and I somehow think that Dot will have remembered it too.

 PS:  I know that Dot was wearing a swimsuit, but I had nothing (that would fit!) so believe that I was wearing my hospital gown.  

 God Bless you, Dot and thank you for all the happy memories!

 Susan xxx

 July 2021

Eulogy to my Mum - by Richard MacGillivray

Dear Friends and Family gathered 

Today we have the collective opportunity to share our grief and celebrate Dorothy's life. 92 years is difficult to distil into this brief ceremony. I will try. She has had many messages from people that knew her for most of her life especially my cousins and lifelong friends in Australia. 

 Dorothy was the eldest of the Pearce family daughters who I am sure most people will agree were very attractive women. Her family roots are English and specifically in Lancashire, something she was immensely proud of. She attended the same school as Allan and I when it was a primary school and Benoni High where she earned colours for hockey and got the education to go on and become a very competent bookkeeper. 

 Mom was a very loving and proud mother to Allan and I. She supported me at all my swimming galas and was extremely vocal at the side of the pool to the point of almost falling in with enthusiasm. I am hugely thankful to her for being our historical, social, sports and world affairs educator. We had the most enlightening and very tasty dinner table discussions, usually Len verses Dorothy. Some may say she was opinionated? (oh yeah, in spades)! She ensured we always stayed in touch with our cousins, aunts and uncles and I always looked forward to family gatherings, there was a lot of love, fun and arguments. Even now I am eternally indebted to my cousin Douglas for all he has done to help us, you are truly a mensch! She took us to shows, the theatre and movies. One I remember in particular was the production of Macbeth in Zulu, uMabatha. We had a wonderful two week holiday every year thanks to her saving and planning. There is not a lot more a mother can do for her children and she was equally loving, protective and interactive with her grandchildren. 

 Mom was a devoted Christian and Anglican, she not only attended but participated in churches in Zambia, Brakpan and later in Roodeport. Her hearing was not good, and it concerned us all, so on occasions when she was ill I slept at her flat. I would hear her saying her prayers every night. She never missed anyone, not even those she was in disagreement with at the time (there were many times and many people that fell into this category as we all know).  

 Farewell Mom, peace will be with you! I know you are going to a blessed place to be with your lord Jesus and your loved ones. You held your belief so vehemently throughout your life! It can only be so! 

 All our love goes with you and your memories keep you alive in our hearts. 

Lots of love from all of our family. 

Especially me, Marjorie, Megan, Gareth and Cameron. 

Richard MacGillivray